I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
