you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
