we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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