It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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