i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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