He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
