I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm too high and old for this...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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