I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize