Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
