I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
