Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
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In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
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I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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