It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You may now shotgun with the bride
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
