I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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