i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Randomize
