someone threw a dead crab at me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
