I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.