Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY