Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.