Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
