Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
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There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?