Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.