Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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