He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
