My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
