Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
