Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
