You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
