Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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