hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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