you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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