the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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