She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
