Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
