went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
