So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You made out with two different species that night
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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