i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
