I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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