Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i think my cat just said my name.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
