My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
