You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
