Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
