Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
