he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
it's like heaven, but drunker
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
