My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
How's work?
Spinning.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
