I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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