Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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