I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
