i just sent this text using only my big toe
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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