Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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