He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
