I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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