If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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