then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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