I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
