R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
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If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
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i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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