a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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