Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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