I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm having to shit out rocks
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
