FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
