Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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