Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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