I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
