mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
