Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
